HEY! Whats a cheap and stupid way to mingle with strangers… eat shitty food… and pretend you have a social life??? Potlucks.
Oh and guess what? They Suck.
The worst culinary invention ever to hit suburban America, the Potluck. This seemingly harmless event can easily turn into a night of torture and despair.
Let’s first address the thoughts running through your head right now after hearing such a statement:
“but where else can i have Crab Rangoonalong side a nice Chicken and Cheetohs Casserole?”
I’m sorry but the day i need to have Jello stuffed inside a Calzone is the day i will probably find a very tall building and swan dive off of it. These things are terrible and not only are you forced to eat ’shit’, but you have to talk about said ’shit’. overheard at many a Potluck:
“Oh my god Sarah, you made this from scratch? It was delightfully ’sinful’. Where did you come up with such an innovative
idea? Adding those chopped up Corndogs to the Fettuccini was dazzling to say the least. Leaving the wooden sticks in it was pure genius.”
These conversations are unavoidable and will consume you for the next three hours. When i say three hours, I mean sitting and waiting for everyone to show up with food for the first two hours. You will then get about ten minutes to scavenge like wild turkeys for the sludge thats been put out on the table. At this point you’re really so hungry you’ll eat anything and everything. You are a Potluck whore who is easier than any drunken fraternity girl.
Finally, it is an unwritten rule that you can never say anything bad about the food. Nothing critical or even remotely negative can come from your mouth or emoted from your face. If so, you will be the outcast and forced to sit alone and eat the cold leftovers. You’ll get the crust from the green bean and tofu pie, or the leftover sauce from the marshmallow and zucchini loaf. Don’t forget the
fact that you’ll probably spend at minimum fifteen dollars on a dish and will in no way walk away feeling like you got your money’s worth.
In fact you’ll probably walk away with a few less friendships and an empty stomach.
Written by guest writer and aficionado of things that suck… Dr. Roger.
16 responses so far ↓
1 billiam5billion // Aug 11, 2008 at 1:42 pm
okay, that’s it, I’m writing one of these.
2 DAVEGUY // Aug 11, 2008 at 2:37 pm
at a potluck dinner party a girl decided to make “homemade macaroni”. this consisted of boxed macaroni, overcooked, put into a tin baking dish and covered with more cheese/breadcrumb mixture.
the noodles were crunchy.
“it’s my first time making homemade macaroni!”
“no sh*t? i thought for certain you would be featured on food network for this gem of a dish”
3 Erin // Aug 11, 2008 at 2:57 pm
You are so fucking clever.
4 Haywood // Aug 11, 2008 at 3:14 pm
please feel free to dispense at Future Luck…
i’m sure dr. roger doesn’t have any friends left there.
5 Haywood // Aug 11, 2008 at 3:15 pm
i also believe dr. roger would be concerned to see
” Crab Rangoonalong”
that does sound kind of funny though. it’s like a chinese band “the rangoonalong’s”…
6 SpellingBee Champion // Aug 11, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I would also remove that ‘ghastly’ h on the end of
cheetohs.
7 Jared: Proprietor of the potluck // Aug 11, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I agree that these events can be scary, especially when held in the halls of your local Baptist church. Never before have I seen so many people show up with a bucket of KFC in order to fulfill their obligation and proceed to be offended by the fact that 8 other people chose the same lazy option.
8 Danny Anus // Aug 11, 2008 at 5:10 pm
YES!!!! Dr. Roger is a hit!!!!
Anyone else wanna write one???
Which one of you pussys is gonna quit whining about spelling and step up?
9 Emily Zags // Aug 11, 2008 at 7:38 pm
You have not experienced a potluck until you have experience one run by the heffers that work in my department. Seriously, we get e-mail reminders in the days/weeks leading up to it like it’s the first “Food Day” (as they like to call it) that anyone in the world has ever had… yet they come up with ANY excuse to have one (layoffs, anyone?). The day of, food is all we hear about, as the fat girls elbow and trample past the smaller girls in their desperate effort to get to the food first and load their multiple plates… once they are done the rest of us can pick through the crumbs.
As a matter of fact it’s all so irritating that many of us refuse to participate… although I can’t lie it is still often tempting to sneak into the Food Room and freeload when the tummy is grumbling… but if we’re caught by some of the overly zealous potluckers, there is hell to pay.
Oh and yes, everyone discusses how great everything is… “WHO brought this?”, or, “Where did you get these hot dogs?” “Um, they’re Oscar Meyer.” ALL…. DAY…. LONG.
I could have written my own Guess What Sucks about potlucks. DAMN ME for not thinking of it first!!!
10 TwopackShaker // Aug 12, 2008 at 12:17 am
Ok SpellingBeeNAZI, the only reason cheetos was spelled cheetohs is because they make you go “oohhhhhhh” because they are cheezalicious…
11 SpellingBee Hitler // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:19 am
Change it Bitch…..
12 Isaac Hayes // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:41 am
guess what sucks: Death
13 Georgia // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:47 am
guess what sucks: Russia
14 Jessica // Aug 12, 2008 at 11:07 am
So now I feel really bad for the times that I have just brought chips and salsa to any friends functions. Thanks guys!
15 Danny Anus // Aug 12, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Chips and Salsa is a GOOD thing. They are delicious!!!!
16 Emily Zags // Aug 13, 2008 at 7:34 am
Jessica, it’s one thing to bring chips and salsa to a friend’s function, especially if booze is involved and people are inevitably hungry… it is another to have a designated “food day” at work and have to listen to people talk about it for weeks ahead of time… and then the day of talk about how delicious the shitty food is… ALL FUCKING DAY.
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