You wanna know what REALLY sucks? When you THINK that your delicious tasty sandwich has mayo on it… but… oh… wait a sec…EWWW!!! Whats this disgusting slime on here that has the distinctive tang of semen??? Oh SHIT its Miracle Whip… and motherfuck me with a broken bottle does it SUCK.
Miracle Whip was devised as a way to help ration eggs and oil during WWII. Instead of using said eggs and salad oil to make mayonnaise… they used monkey ejaculate and a blend of seasonings hand picked by then President, Franklin D. Roosevelt.
The idea was to use it as a substitute for the expensive mayonnaise, and as soon as the war ended, people could go back to eating traditional condiments as opposed to the puss of dying road kill.
BUT as stupid Americans in the 50’s would have it… they kept it around, and sandwiches have not been safe ever since. People in today’s society now feel free to use it as a substitute for something other than cheap sex lube (which it works quite well as).
The fucked up thing is that I know people who say they cant tell a difference. These are also the same people that eat bowls of poop after dinner and call them ice cream sundaes.
“The ZEST of Miracle Whip. Mmmmm I love the tangy ZIP of Miracle Whip!!!”
I think I hate the word zest. It just doesn’t sound natural coming out of anyone’s mouth unless you were a marketing executive for Kraft. The only ZIP I get from Miracle Whip is the spasm of nausea that I get when I realize Ive accidentally eaten some. I mean the stuff is called Miracle Whip. A whipped miracle of science and wartime engineering.
The only miracle about this shit is that millions of people still buy it and enjoy ruining their food with it.
Perverts.
15 responses so far ↓
1 madsilver // Aug 14, 2008 at 8:52 am
word, i hate it, that “ZIP” they speak of just makes me think that it is rotten. like im an employee at a shitty deli, and the mayo was left sitting out all night, so we serve it anyways and put a sign up saying that we have a new sandwhich spread with “ZIP” what the fuck, so could i add pickle juice to regular mayo and call it “ZIP” that could be anything
2 madsilver // Aug 14, 2008 at 8:53 am
believe me its no fucking miracle
3 Marshall's Turkey & Swiss // Aug 14, 2008 at 9:38 am
Dude you are crazy!! Give me science over some Frenchman’s curdled homo-goat milk. Miracle is just what it says it is…..a Miracle.
4 Marshall's Turkey & Swiss // Aug 14, 2008 at 9:38 am
whip
5 poopsmith mcgee // Aug 14, 2008 at 10:32 am
My only wish in this world is that there would be more stuff to put Miracle Whip on…That’s how good…no, That’s how GREAT it is.
Like after Thanksgiving for a mid-afternoon turkey sandwich.
6 Marshall's Turkey & Swiss // Aug 14, 2008 at 11:08 am
well said, Poopsmith
7 Jim Russell // Aug 14, 2008 at 12:38 pm
The only thing Miracle Whip works good for is lube for ass-fucking the rotting corpse of Mother Teresa.
8 poopsmith mcgee // Aug 14, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Don’t be silly, Mother Teresa doesn’t use lube.
Catholics dig the pain.
9 Mrs. Poopsmith // Aug 14, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I agree with Mr. Poopsmith Mcgee on this one, I do love the Miracle Whip on my turkey sandwiches. The real stuff is for special occasions when I want something that has a amazing taste and don’t about getting fat.
10 Lardy Be // Aug 14, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Good call! Miracle Whip fails.
I remember when the words “salad dressing” graced the label. Then they amended it a few years ago to say “dressing”. Losers.
11 Emily Zager // Aug 14, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Does anyone actually use their real names when commenting anymore? Not knowing which of my friends and acquaintences is saying what, well THAT kind of sucks.
Monkey ejaculate… call me immature but that made me giggle.
12 Mrs. Poopsmith // Aug 14, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Hello Mrs. Emily Zager, Mr. & Mrs. poopsmith would be Jess & Chris. Now you are in the loop of some of the names, as for all the others I have no clue. Miss you!! Jess
13 Danny Anus // Aug 14, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Dear Emily Zager,
Hmmm Danny… Marshall, Jim Russell.
Looks like youre complaining about 2 or 3 people not using their real names. Huh.
Danny Anus.
14 Dusty // Aug 14, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Only pedophiles like Miracle Whip & they eat it with Vienna Sausages. Don’t ask me why. That’s just what they do.
15 Ion // Sep 29, 2008 at 11:55 am
I put Miracle Whip on rice. Mayo has no taste.
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