Guess what totally fucking sucks? Tattoos.
What??? What do you mean they suck Danny??? They are so cool looking and unique!!!!
Fuck you and your stupid waste of money. Hey I have a few hundred bucks and no personality… maybe I should get a tattoo.
It seems like its a right of passage for a lot of people. Young girls will get something cute on (insert obvious body part here)… artsy weirdos with too much money will get something REALLY unique and will even have a “guy” that they go to for it. People in rock bands fucking LOVE tattoos. I’m not sure where this trend came from, but man does it make you look awesome!!!! It really completes the whole ego driven shithead look youre trying to master. Some women get them because they think it gives off a dangerous or sexy vibe. Wow. Way to go figuring that one out. Guess what slut? Men are always going to want to fuck women… with or without tattoos. Fratboys and rednecks love funny and silly tattoos. I mean they are just so funny man… shit!!!
It brings people together… showing and comparing their “ink”. It makes them feel special… and part of a club or dare I say family? Alot of folks have at one time or another imagined themselves with a tattoo. People of all income brackets and nationalities can all bond together and throw money away on something that should be reserved for four groups of people.
1.) Soldiers
2.) Pirates, sailors, or anyone whose job it is to ride the high seas
3.) Hookers
4.) Convicts
If you do not fall into one of these categories, but have one or many tattoos… chances are pretty great that you are a total speedbump and a lameass.
I will explain.
Ive heard that ”My tattoos are for me… and not for anyone else”. Really? So you have your arms and legs covered in tattoos for the whole fucking world to see… but they are for YOU. Sure. So that’s why you chose to have a tattoo in a spot where you KNEW people would see it. You go out and buy clothes that will accentuate or enhance the tattoo that’s supposedly just for you. I don’t even have to make a point here. Its already been proven.
Some tattoos are meaningful or are meant to remind a person of something. A loved one… a family member… a place or a time… whatever sentimental reason you have. OK so am I supposed to believe that you have no other way to remember things or ideas or people? You’ve got a brain… USE IT!!! Tattoos are just trendy ways for people to show the world what they are all about. Its even better when they are hidden from plain view… because it allows the person to show you at the moment of their choice. It immediately gets attention from both sexes when tattoos are being shown. People have nothing better to do then desecrate their bodies in the name of art or ideology? Really? They are glorified conversation pieces
Some people try to pass off tattoos as art. This is particularly evident in the world of tattoo addicts. You know who they are. These people are so boring and uninteresting that they feel the need to cover themselves in tattoos in an attempt to be a person with a normal level of self worth. If they had THREE arms, they’d cover them with tattoos. Do these people get depressed when they run out of skin? What do they do afterwards? Do they get suicidal? I mean there is nothing for them to do anymore. No way to grow as a person or show their eccentricities to the world. All they will do is get older and let gravity ruin their precious artwork. Morons.
Enjoy needles and pain? Get a fucking leather daddy you stupid poser and waste your money there. At least it keeps the illegal sex trade moving. Sex slaves rule.
“But Danny… its a native practice that dates back thousands of years and… SHUT THE FUCK UP”. Ive actually had people try and spin this turd off as an explanation to a greater meaning of tattoos. What a bunch of dicks. This is the 21st century people!!! Its not the Dark Ages anymore and we don’t have to run around throwing spears or rocks at each other while being afraid of a god that doesn’t exist. We are past that. We have EVOLVED, so don’t gimme that stupid bullshit cuz I aint buying it.
You might be thinking “Well whats so wrong with looking cool Danny? Maybe it is YOU that sucks!!!”
Nothing is wrong with looking cool. Hell looking cool is fucking awesome and if you ARE cool… then more power to ya. The problem here is that Tattoos give the APPEARANCE of being cool. They use naive peoples eyes to try and convince you that they are cool, when they are just in fact, only sometimes… cool LOOKING. If they WERE cool in reality… no tattoos would be needed. You wouldn’t have anything to prove or anything to convey. Everyone just knows it already.
People who have to pay someone to make them LOOK cool. That’s not cool. That sucks.
12 responses so far ↓
1 JP // Jun 8, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I completely agree and totally hate it when I see some stupid girl leaning over and not only is her nasty thong showing, but her stupid “I went to college and all I got was this stupid tattoo” is showing……they totally suck….I actually have bad dreams about having tattoo’s.
2 Matthew Zager // Jun 8, 2008 at 10:07 pm
I really regret my tattoo (or “tat” as I like to call it). Seems all it is good for is an excuse for women to touch my thick, muscular, super sexy arm.
Now seriously, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I know you love this band… Are they exceptions to the tattoo rule or are you like “love the band, the tattoos are still stupid”?
3 Em Zags // Jun 9, 2008 at 8:57 am
I was going to start a rant making fun of specific examples but then my husband pointed out that said examples might stumble upon my comment and that could be bad. So I decided to take a more serious approach instead.
So, I will start by saying, I have a tattoo, and I got it when I was 20. It’s a little tiny flower on my lower back and my husband tells me it is the most “feminine” tattoo he has ever seen. It has no significant or “artistic” meaning behind it. The only reason I got it was because I was being an impulsive 20 year old who went with a girlfriend to get tattoo’s in the same spot on our body (although she’s since ended up with them ALL OVER, apparently, and I just stuck with one). Oh yeah and somehow I felt like I was “rebelling”… by getting a TINY FREAKING FLOWER. Rebelling against what, I don’t know, because it was more than a year before my parents ever knew about it.
See, here’s my thing. I can’t say I necessarily REGRET getting my tattoo, but I could probably honestly say that if I went back in time I might not do it again (you know, that whole “hindsight” thing). And I will absolutely never get another one.
I agree, I hate hearing how there’s some deep “meaning” behind it… like people who put pictures of their children’s faces on their bodies and have the kid’s name scrawled in some fancy font. What? Frame a picture for crying out loud! Or even when you put a deceased loved one’s face or name on your body… that deceased loved one would probably laugh their asses off at how dumb it looks.
And when I got my tattoo, I deliberately chose a place on my body where it could be covered up if need be. Or, so that when I age, it’s not going to be a bunch of saggy, multi-colored skin hanging for all the world to see. That’s what amuses me with some of the tattoos I see, and their locations… have any of these people thought about what the tats are going to look like when they’re 80, and the skin is hanging and wrinkled so badly that you can’t even tell what that faded tattoo looks like?
OH OH, and the best ones are women who get them on their stomachs so that when they get pregnant that cute little dolphin on their tummy’s gonna look like a giant, inflated blowfish.
4 Danny Anus // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:16 am
Dear Matthew,
I believe I mentioned rock bands in the article.
Love, Danny Anus
5 karla // Jun 9, 2008 at 1:28 pm
so does this mean that you didn’t love my inked barbed wire on saturday night?
and what about tribal tattoos? those have GOT to be an exception to this rule of suck. you know those make you instantly cool!!
really though. you must at least admit to a suck-spectrum here…
6 TatteRED // Jun 9, 2008 at 2:00 pm
What about people who buy those cloth sleeves with tattos printed on them? I imagine they would double-suck for a) wearing tattoos and b) the tats not even being real. So……should I ask for my money back at the Hobby Lobby?
7 Lardy Be // Jun 9, 2008 at 2:55 pm
This is starting to get absurd.
8 Danny Anus // Jun 9, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Starting?
9 Em Zags // Jun 9, 2008 at 4:52 pm
This has motivated me to get a racy tattoo on my box.
10 Jared: The best reason to wear saran wrap in public // Jun 13, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I like ink and needles and am the guy that keeps his tats under wraps. Maybe they suck. Maybe I suck. Maybe go fuck yourself.
11 Sean // Jun 18, 2008 at 10:12 am
You totally hit the nail on the head here Anus. Tattoos are a form of mutilation and I think its horrible when pretty girls ruin their bodies. Sometimes if a guy has a couple tattoos on his arm or a girl has a small cute one on her foot or ankle or something its cool, but people rarely stop there. One of my friends just got a tattoo across her chest and I find it so pitiful that she needs to desecrate her body like that.
12 Courtnie // Jun 18, 2008 at 2:57 pm
WEEEE! I LOVE TATTOOS AND IM GONNA PUT THEM ALL OVER MY BODY!
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