Guess What Sucks

        Did you know that I love hot and spicy foods?  I mean LOVE them.  If its possible… I always doctor up my food to make it HOT.  Peppers of all shapes and sizes (except one), sauces and spices all over the place.  Pizza… Sandwiches… Shrimp… Chicken Livers… Eggs… All of these things are made better when they get a zing of extra heat, in my opinion.

   What I don’t like, however, is ruining those foods by dousing them in a wimpy, pseudo spicy sauce that tastes more like vinegar than a real hot sauce.   Tabasco Sauce SUCKS.

   I understand how some people might like their foods to taste cheap spicy vinegar.  That’s fine.  Whatever.  Some people eat tempeh.  Everyone has their own taste.

   What I DONT understand is how Tabasco sauce is the most popular and best selling hot sauce on the market.  This is the best around?  Come on everybody…. lets get our shit together.  We got Cholula, Sriracha, and all fucking kinds of Louisiana Hot sauce (which isn’t really so much hot as it is zingy and tasty).  We can do better than this.

   Why is it so popular?  Maybe its because its fucking everywhere around us like a huge, corporate vulture who is lying to you.  Its run by a huge asshole family of stooges and they will stop at nothing from convincing you that Tabasco sauce is the superior choice amongst Americans.  They will try and scare you into thinking that only a communist or terrorist rebel would use anything else.  This is the lie that fools Americans into buying up all the shitty, vinegary,  butt sauce.                                                                   

     You see… Tabasco sauce was invented by a rich old fucker about 140 years ago.  He was an insane old hoot who lived in a mansion on top of a hill.  He collected guard dogs and ex wives. He had a lot of sons, and they, in turn,  had alot of sons.  They were all registered communists and were notorious for talking loudly about how they would invent a shitty hot sauce, distribute it all over the world, and make billions of dollars so that they could buy their way into American food culture history.  Well congratulations Dr. Tabasco.  You have succeeded.

   You can get Tabasco flavored ketchup (GASP!!!), wear a Tabasco themed necktie, eat Tabasco flavored Cheez-Its, Chips, Pickles, Slim Jims… even Spam.  You can buy bloody larry mixes and tomato juice spiked with Tabasco.    They even offer little bottles of Tabasco for U.S. soldiers who are abroad.  Oh how fucking nice of them.  If I was a soldier,  Id want to be captured and sent to a POW camp so I could ask THEM if I could have a hot sauce that doesn’t taste like the bottom of a jar of pickled sausages.

   I once had a waitress ask me If i wanted any Tabasco sauce for my chicken sandwich at My favorite restaurant of all time… Applebee’s.  I told her to lean down so I could hear her better, and I proceeded to grab my butter knife and jam it into her eye socket.  She screamed… like they ALL do when they ask… and as I looked down at my sandwich, I saw that it was covered in the stupid whores blood. 

Needless to say, that was the best sandwich I ever ate.  Wanna know why?

There was no Tabasco sauce on it.