I think Subway is a magical place. They must employ hundreds of wizards and warlocks posing as “sandwich artists” all over the country. The reason I believe that is this; When I’m getting my sandwich made… I never see the sandwich leave the counter. Weird huh??? I never actually SEE any employee take my sandwich… go into the back… and sit on it, with their fat sweaty ass.
YET every time I eat a Subway sandwich… it tastes like someone sat on it, with their FAT…SWEATY… ASS.
Subway Sucks.
Let me first say that great sandwich shops are not easy to come by. There is a universal method to making a good sandwich. One KEY factor in this is that the sum is NEVER greater than its parts. You gotta have fresh or at least tasty bread. Your meats and cheeses and topping all must be of very high quality. Not everything can be perfect in the sandwich world all the time. So many things can go wrong. Stale, dry bread or sub par ingredients can ruin a sandwich… and a sandwich shop… for good.
Subways slogan is “Eat Fresh“. What? Seriously? It should read “Eat My Ass” because thats what it tastes like. Someones anus where poo poo comes from.
The employees at Subway are called “Sandwich Artists“. Bitch please, if making sandwiches is an art… then Subway is the Thomas Kinkade of sandwich making. His shitty and artless paintings are the same thing as eating a Subway sandwich and calling it art. So fuck you “Sandwich Asshole“. The ONLY time I ever go to Subway is when I cant decide what or where to eat… and it just happens to be the closest thing around.
Its a last resort for hunger.
If you you happen to get to Subway right when the “Sandwich Asshole” is taking the bread out of the oven, it might be edible. Its usually stale in places and is flavorless. Then they try and have different toppings for my bread… like cheese or seeds or something. It sucks. Stop trying so hard.
Veggies always taste like they are not so fresh… tomatos are mealy… onions are badly chopped… I always find myself putting olives on Subway sandwiches just to make them interesting. My point here is that I shouldn’t NEED to do anything to make a sandwich more interesting. Especially if I’m paying to have someone make it for me. I always want the fucking things to be bigger or more substantial than they really are. There isn’t anything special about anything at Subway. I mean I feel like I could make a better CHEAPER sandwich at home.
I’d pay cash money to see Thomas Kinkade eating at a Subway. He would be complete with tuxedo and a silver candelabra, and would beckon passersbys to come enjoy his shitty excuse for a sandwich. Then his eyes would glow like hellfire, and he would speak in satanic tongues about ruling the world from an art studio in hell… an art studio that supplies nothing but Subway Cold Cut Combos to its prisoners… uhh I mean students.
Anyways.
Subway is a turd, and it sucks.
6 responses so far ↓
1 madsilver // Jun 12, 2008 at 11:38 pm
amen, and if i wanted to pay for a sandwich, i dont want to have to think of how to make it, i am paying you to make me a sandwich, not me to stand there like an idiot calling out things like “pickles, mayonaise” YOU make ME a sandwich and then I will eat it. How are you an “artist” if someone is standing there telling you where to put the brush. So i nervously watch them make my crapy sandwich, really i am watching them build an uneven shity sandwich that gets worse with every inch on that metal table of theres and I get to look at the unkept gross station of food in front of me, there is a reason kitchens are in the back of restaurants. I hate subway
2 Emily Zags // Jun 13, 2008 at 8:50 am
For once in my life, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have NEVER been much of a subway fan, and I think the times I have actually eaten there have always been as a last resort, or because I was with some dumb friend who thought it was a great place, and wanted to eat there, and I was too nice to say “Fuck no.” I kind of feel this way about Goodcents too but I might just be saying that because I used to work next door to a Goodcents and with no where else to go half the time I ate there so much I got sick of subs altogether for a long, long, time. Planet Sub is where it’s at, bitches.
3 Lardy Be // Jun 13, 2008 at 9:37 am
Do you want that toasted?
4 Jared: Not the one with AIDS // Jun 13, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Subway was a completely average fastfood chain joint in my opinion that I could simply ignore until that fat fuck dimwitted fuck with less personality to him than the shrivelled fallen shredded lettuce underneath the shoes of a sandwich artist had to go on television and proclaim that eating at subway helped him lose weight. That, too, I could ignore, until I realized that he had my name.
Everytime I meet a group of three or more people, they always ask me, “Like the Subway guy?” I die a little inside everytime that I hear it.
For the good of, well, myself, I am currently putting a bounty on his head. If anyone reading this will find Subway Jared, murder him, and bring me his driver’s license, glasses, and black, black heart in a box, I will reward you with a genuinely tasty sandwich.
5 Danny Anus // Jun 13, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Where can I sign up??? Shit Id love a tasty sandwich in the name of Murder.
6 Erin // Aug 21, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Did you know that a few weeks ago some guy called 911 TWICE becuase the person at Subway forgot to put the sauce on his sandwich? True fucking story- even the people that eat there are retarded. This made it in Newsweek under the “utterly shamless scale” I think he got a 64% but didn;t beat John Edwards for making the first 100% rank on the scale for cheatig on his wife while she had cancer and as he was running for election. What a douch.
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