Ahhh Billy Crystal
Who likes this guy? I’m totally in the dark as to why and how this no talent coat hanger got so fucking famous. He is famous in a very adult and contemporary sense, kinda like Sting or Paul Simon . He isn’t too raunchy which means he is safe and he appears at charity events. He has hosted huge award shows and I even heard recently he played a game of baseball with the NY Yankees. He has visited the White House on a few occasions as well. What the fuck really??? How did this guy sneak in the back door of fame??? I don’t ever recall EVER seeing him in anything funny. Not even a little bit. He does impressions of famous people (which almost always sucks) and he hosted an annual event called Comedy Relief with Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams. I cant emphasize to you just how ironic and ass backwards it is to hold an event called Comedy Relief… and then have it hosted by the 3 most unfunny people in the world.
I’m going down the list of movies here in front of me and I cant find ONE that redeems him as being even a tad funny. He was on a insanely stupid and unfunny show in the 70’s called Soap. Never heard of it? Neither had I. Its about as dated as Three’s Company… but about half as funny, which still sucks a lot. Then he was on Saturday Night Live… at a time when the show was about as hilarious as an oven from Dachau. He was pretty famous for acting like Sammy Davis Jr., and badly I might add. He started doing an impression of Fernando Lamas (another who the fuck?) and somehow acquired the phrase “You look Marvelous!” I don’t know about you, but that character and phrase annoys me to the point of blindness. I couldn’t walk 10 feet as a kid without hearing some dickhole say that stupid fucking catchphrase. It makes me want to hurt people with knives.
Anyways.
I just cant believe hes made so many fucking movies. BAD, BAD movies that aren’t funny at all. Running Scared? Throw Mama from the Train? Those movies are total shit!!! What about the slew of awful romantic comedies he starred in like When Harry Met Sally or Forget Paris? The only thing I wish I could forget is that movie. Whats his angle? Is it a cliched funny Jewish comedian or something? Real original William. City Slickers was funny… but not because of him. That credit goes to the half a dozen guys standing AROUND him in the movie. Nice trick you waste of space.
I just cant wrap my head around WHY this man is so highly revered.
Oh and what about those down right RETARDED songs he would sing when he hosted the Oscars? Who thought that was a good idea? How many old wrinkly cocks did he have to smoke to get that gig for that long? WHY was he brought back on over and over and fucking over again?
I wont go down the LONG list of his fuck awful films, but I will ask this question; WHO thinks he is funny? Anybody? I don’t recall ever hearing anyone say anything positive about him or his movies. It seems like everyone Ive asked about him just seems indifferent to him. Hes not funny… but hes not annoying or really that important either. Is he famous and popular due to the indifference of the American people? Who attains fame and fortune while making movies about befriending giants? Analyze This? That? COMPLETE AND UTTER ASS BUTTER my friends. I could make funnier movies with my farts and some silly string.
Billy Crystal is an unfunny lucky asshole and he sucks.
19 responses so far ↓
1 madsilver // Jun 2, 2008 at 6:47 pm
it is true, but he isnt as bad as robin williams, alot of people think robin williams is great, you should write about that mother fucker.
2 Danny Anus // Jun 2, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Dear madsilver,
He is on the roster. Robin wont escape.
Love Danny Anus
3 Marshall's smoked Monkfish // Jun 2, 2008 at 7:47 pm
You just need to do the whole comic relief roster. Because Whoopi Goldberg Fucking Sucks!!!!!! Oh yeah….so does Billy Crystal.
4 At a loss Matthew Zager // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:07 am
Anus, you need to sit down and watch the City Slickers movies and rewrite this way off base blog.
5 Emily Riede-Zags // Jun 3, 2008 at 9:29 am
He didn’t play a game with the Yanks, he went to their training camp.
And I was always a fan of City Slickers as a kid, but I think it was just because there was a baby cow that was really cute in that movie. Moo.
6 Danny Anus // Jun 3, 2008 at 10:45 am
Dear Zager family,
City Slickers is pretty funny. No thanks to Billy Crystal. I’ve seen it enough times to know that. He DID play a minor league warm up game. Check it out duder.
Love Danny Anus
7 Mime is Money // Jun 3, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I think his greatest role was the :18 he was in Spinal Tap. After that he fall down go boom.
8 Jim Russell // Jun 3, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Yeah, I can’t even make it through those ‘Analyze’ movies, DeNeiro isn’t funny either, except the first Parents movie. And SNL did blow in the early and mid 80’s. You’re right about City Slickers and really I don’t even think its any good anymore! Harry Met Sally is a guilty pleasure of mine, I’ll admit, I actually think hes pretty great in that one. Also he made a movie called ‘61′ about Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle, which is great, but not funny. The whole cast of Comic Relief is on my shit list, and to be honest, this dirty Jew is probably the best one! Who does fucking pick who is popular? Oh, I remember, corporate sponsers and stupid Americans. The same 2 groups of people who pick our presidents and senators!
9 Emily Riede-Zags // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:33 pm
See, Jim, I liked When Harry Met Sally well enough, considering, I am female and most of us females dig a good douse of romantic comedy… however, I always found myself wondering what woman in her right mind would want to kiss Billy Crystal or any man who looked like him. He’s ugly and gross and frog like.
10 Sean // Jun 3, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I’ve never really found him funny either, but I do love Throw Moma From the Train. Billy Crystal is the RC Cola of comedy: cheap, watered down, boring, unoffensive and jewish….wait?
11 Royal F-ing Crown Matthew Zager // Jun 3, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Sean, first of all “Throw Momma from the Train” starred Paul Reiser and Joe Pesci, so get your facts straight.
Second of all, RC is delicious, a great value, underappreciated and invigorating. I would say that I am the RC cola of comedy.
You are like the Fresca of Blog commenting.
12 Danny Anus // Jun 3, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Wow people… all the soda references are making this little bugger thirsty!!!!
13 Sean // Jun 3, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Whatever, you’re totally the Fag-o of comedy Zager. Eat a pringles-can-size-dick.
14 Defeated Matthew Zager // Jun 3, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Well you certainly told me! I can’t even begin to fathom a comeback good enough to top calling me a homosexual comedian and instructing me to dine on a potato snack can sized penis. I’m going to go drown my sorrows over an ice cold totally amazing and delicious RC cola.
15 Yo Yo Vonn // Jun 4, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I think he did some decent stand-up. You should write a blog about people who suck because they don’t completely agree with your blog…or a blog about blog comments that suck
16 Danny Anus // Jun 4, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Dear Yo Yo Vonn,
Decent stand-up? Please everyone knows that 99% of stand-up comedians suck.
Love Danny Anus
p.s. Nobody sucks because they dont believe the truth. It just makes them ignorant and hard headed.
17 Crystal Cornbread // Jun 4, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Dude, I don’t care. His whole “Pecan Pie” thing in When Harry Met Sally was pretty fucking funny. I mean, sure, OVERALL he sucks, but that movie was pretty good. He downplayed the whole “oy VEY I’m so Jewish!” schtick a little for it.
And yes, I’m admitting that I’ve seen and enjoyed When Harry Met Sally. I realize that this means that I no longer have a penis.
18 Danny Anus // Jun 5, 2008 at 9:08 am
I think that Billy Cystal secretly wishes he was Jerry Seinfeld.
19 Marc // Oct 18, 2008 at 4:12 pm
I was just watching an old interview with him, I think it’s from the early 90’s, he started doing those unfunny impressions and I was annoyed, I thought “This is shit !!!” I typed : “Billy Crystal Shit” … in Google and that’s how I got here …. ’nuff said.
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