Wouldn’t it be nice if music transported us to a beach somewhere? A cool and beautiful beach that reminds us of summer and fun in the sun… (YAWN) and uhhh… flip flops and uhhh… Jesus I’m exhausted. I mean If a guy who plays an acoustic guitar can wear flip flops and ummm (YAWN!!!!) I couldn’t see how uhhh… OH SHIT!!!!!
I’m sorry readers. I was listening to Jack Johnson while typing this up and I accidentally slipped out of my chair and smacked my head on the edge of the desk. I was SO fucking relaxed and mellowed out by the music… that I nearly killed myself in the process. I will be sure to have Mr. Johnson pay my medical bills or I will take his sand volleyball loving ass to court.
Jack Johnson is a singer and songwriter who is under the impression that writing boring, smooth, totally unassuming and unoffensive pop music is appealing. I guess it is since he is so damn popular, but only with that khaki loving white college crowd. His music is like a bowl of generic brand vanilla ice cream. Not interesting enough to enjoy… but still filling all the same. Its like it goes THROUGH you as a listener. Its there… and you hear it… and its over… and you are not changed. Well except for a head wound or two.
I imagine that the only good thing about his music… is that it might help you get laid. TONS of chicks love boring generic pop music. Its easy for them to digest and it doesn’t take them a full sized brain to enjoy. Oh and the flip flops… Sweet mother of a whore why flip flops? Shouldnt an international superstar have the money to buy some fucking shoes? “Well they are comfortable Danny Anus” you might say. Well so are skateboard shoes and Converse and Doc Martens and Crocs and Keds and Uggs. You wanna know WHY he doesn’t wear those shoes? Because its not his image to wear them. He’s a laid back sandy beach dude bro!!! Hang Ten!!!! I don’t quite understand how acoustic, mellow pop music somehow translates to “beach music” or whatever the kids call it. I guess its because he surfs in his videos and wears flip flops and appears ON beaches all the time. Motherfucker should start carrying around a metal detector and wearing fanny packs.
Maybe If I wrote boring sappy shit like that… i could change the demographic its aimed at. I could wear clown shoes and appear on the covers of magazines in circus tents or box cars with wild animals. I could write songs about pancake makeup or seltzer bottles and cream pies. I could even have a red rubber nose at the end of my guitar too. Then maybe I could soak up some of the circus loving crowd with my mellow brand of smooth clown/circus music. So insightful.
Ahhh but there’s no money in it. Everybody wants to go to the fucking beach though right?
Jack Johnson sucks.
30 responses so far ↓
1 Melbert the Magnificent // May 27, 2008 at 10:32 pm
a few other thing that suck?
1. you inferring chics have half a brain
2. dogging the flip flops- my summer favorite
3. the only people that find stuff wrong with sports are those that athletically retarded!
2 Emily Zagface // May 27, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Your rant on Jack Johnson was so boring and disappointing, I fell asleep reading it.
3 Butterscotch Matthew Zager // May 27, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Proof women have half a brain: Hate Tom Cruise, love Jack Johnson.
Anus, your clown music idea is missing a key element, INSANITY!!!!!
4 Danny Anus // May 27, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Dear Asshole Melbert the Rimjob Expert;
1. Not chicks Melvin. Chicks that like Jack Johnson. Read it more carefully next time duder.
2. The article isnt about flip flops. its about Jack Johnson. He wears flip flops. Holy fucking Jesus Jr.
3. Something about sports and being retarded. I am confused. Is that a sentence in there?
Read it again you twat.
5 Tyler Durden // May 28, 2008 at 12:40 am
Okay, you can take pop shots at Jack Johnson all you want, but what the deuce did generic brand vanilla ice cream ever do to offend or disappoint anyone? Maybe my tastebuds are out of whack, but vanilla ice cream is de-fucking-licious any way you package it. Great Value, Best Choice, Blue Bunny, Edys, it’s all the same. It’s plain, it’s ordinary, it lacks distinction, and it’s all tasty as hell. You wanna dog on something, give pink sherbet a once over. I wonder if Jack could fit this combination of words on the back of a postcard?
6 Emily Riede-Zags // May 28, 2008 at 8:27 am
Oh yeah, and don’t you think for a SECOND that my mentally retarded husband doesn’t sing along with Banana Pancakes when it comes on.
7 Honest Matthew Zager // May 28, 2008 at 9:38 am
I have NEVER sang along to that song… I said I liked one of the lyrics as we were still a new couple and I was hoping to get sex in return.
8 Emily Riede-Zags // May 28, 2008 at 9:58 am
You’re never going to get sex again, DIS-Honest Matthew Zager!!!!!!!!!!
9 Danny Anus // May 28, 2008 at 10:01 am
Banana Pancakes. Ahhh my favorite beach food.
10 Jessica // May 28, 2008 at 11:12 am
It’s always good to know that Jack Johnson really did help a guy get laid, case in point, Matthew Zager. Had Chris EVER said he liked Jack Johnson, I would’ve thought he was a pussy & he would have never gotten laid!
11 Sean // May 28, 2008 at 11:43 am
I think Jack Johnson had a few good songs when he originially came out, but he seems to have been writing remakes of the same tunes for the last five or six years. His vocal range goes from boring and montonous to dull and uninspired. I seriously think he might be singing in the exact same key on every single song he’s ever written. Kudos to you Danny Anus.
12 Sean // May 28, 2008 at 11:44 am
Oooopppsss, monotonous.
13 Debra // May 28, 2008 at 12:19 pm
My fiance wears flip flops and he is anything but boring!
14 Danny Anus // May 28, 2008 at 12:27 pm
See if you can say that about him after you’ve been married to him for a few years.
15 Melbert the Magnificent // May 28, 2008 at 12:39 pm
her fiancee is a helluva naked slip and slide riding genious… that never gets boring…
ps anus… check your pants and then we’ll see who the twat is
16 Emily Riede-Zags // May 28, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I can vouch for the fact that Debra will NEVER be bored with her flip flop wearing fiance. OW!
17 Debra // May 28, 2008 at 12:44 pm
well i know in a few years that rolling stones tongue tattoo will still be on his ass
18 Hankster 6900 // May 28, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Wow I wish my gf would read this and believe me when I agree with you. Jack Johnson is a waste of space. Whats up up with all the flip flip talk???
19 Danny Anus // May 28, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I guess people just like typing Flip Flop.
20 Vagina Matthew Zager // May 28, 2008 at 1:17 pm
what can i say, Jessica, my wife likes her men all pussy-like. I constantly have to restrain my masculinity, which having seen me in person, you know is no easy task.
21 Emily Riede-Zags // May 28, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I have no husband.
22 JP // May 28, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Oh and the flip flops… Sweet mother of a whore why flip flops
There is nothing wrong with flip flops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
23 Better Red than Dead // May 28, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Another bulls-eye Daniel!! If I want songs about banana pancakes or bubbletoes I’ll call Rosie O’Donell. And while I have nothing against flip-flops per se, the flip-flop/pants combo is my greatest pet peve. If it’s hot enough for flip flops then don’t wear pants, and if it’s cold enough for pants don’t wear flip flops!! Might as well throw on a ‘Co-Ed Naked LaCrosse’ shirt and backwards hat to complete the look.
24 Lardy Be // May 28, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Jew!
25 Danny Anus // May 28, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Dear God in heaven people. LEARN HOW TO READ.
If people would READ ON after I asked WHY flip flops… they would fucking get the answer.
Flip Flops Dont Suck
Wait. Yes they fucking do. Fucking lazy barefoot cocksuckers.
26 Emily Riede-Zags // May 28, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I like flip flops too.
27 poopsmith mcgee // May 28, 2008 at 9:19 pm
For a long time I thought Jack Johnson and John Mayer were the same person…thank you for letting me know that not only are they different people, but that they both suck in there own way.
28 Leah // May 29, 2008 at 1:45 pm
THANK YOU FOR THAT!!! i hate jack johnson and john mayer…did you see the skit on SNL last saturday? great stuff. careful when listening to john mayer and sitting in chairs…i don’t agree with all you say but this was RIGHT ON.
29 Jared: Beach Comber // May 30, 2008 at 11:53 am
For a while there, John Jackson was doing these PSA’s about not doing drugs. Funny thing is, I’ve watched him buy weed from my buddy while I was living out in Hawaii. As a person, John Jackson is a decent enough guy. He’s got a really nice house on Sunset beach, a few houses down from the Volcom house and next door to the house that he bought for his parents. As an artist, though, John Jackson gets under my skin.
I love my flip flops
Recently I retired
My sandals, sole holes.
*Haiku*
30 Taylor // Nov 3, 2008 at 2:38 am
Yall are gay.
J.J is the shit Yall are probably yankies anyways
Go get a tan white folks he wears flip flops because he grew up in Hawaii an thats probably all they wear there faggots.
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