Ugh. Green Bell Peppers Suck.
They have the distinct honor of being the most disgusting and nauseating of all the peppers known in existence. They taint everything that they come into contact with. They ruin amazing dishes like the Denver omelet. Philly cheese steaks are amazingly tasty… unless you add the green little bastards to them, then it becomes a huge pile of shit on a steamed roll. The addition of green bell peppers into any dish immediatly tarnishes any hope of it being edible by human mouths. They look like the swollen glands of a monster that has been extinct for thousands of years.
People that enjoy green bell peppers should be put in the same ring of hell as the Nazis. They were Hitler’s favorite food. He enjoyed eating them raw… like apples… while watching European cities burn to the ground.
Some claim that they make excellent toppings for pizza. This is a lie and should not be believed by anyone who is a red blooded American. They are out there… waiting to strike.
Only a communist spy who wants to infiltrate your families piece of mind will eat green bell peppers with a smile. They are the food of the fallen and the hopeless.
It is a well documented fact that green bell peppers can actually make a man impotent. They have also been known to give herpes to lab animals.
Jesus Christ himself said before turning water into wine… “Behold… art thou hungry beyond ye means??? Do not give in to the temptation of the green bell pepper, for it will surely be your downfall… and I will not save you from Satan” (Book of Emu, Chapter 4, verse 3)
I think that pretty much says it all. What are you going to argue with J.C.???
13 responses so far ↓
1 Jim Russell // May 31, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Yeah, I fucking hate these things! All my friends know that I don’t like peppers, but I think its mostly that I hate these fucking green bell peppers, they are so gross! I wouldn’t eat a green pepper if Jesus shat it out of his holy ass!
2 madsilver // May 31, 2008 at 3:21 pm
yes i hate them as well, on pizza i can handle them but i like red
3 Sean // May 31, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Sorry man, you jumped the shark on this one. I love green peppers, just had some today on a salad. Green peppers were one of my discoveries from many years in the pizza industry. Pepperoni and green peppers is one of the classiest topping combos in the biz! I never touched them until about five years ago, now I love them. I think you’re running out of stuff to bash if you’re now picking on vegetables. Why not go after something like the Local News, the new Transformers movie or Mountain Dew?
4 Danny Anus // May 31, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Dear Sean,
Yeah Im running out of things that suck. You did notice that my 3rd article was about KETCHUP right? You shouldnt hold me to such high standards. Everyone knows that The Transformers movie sucked. No news there. Im INFORMING people, not reminding them.
Love Danny Anus
p.s. Jumped the Shark? what a douche.
p.s.
5 Sean // May 31, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Maybe you should inform people that Jay Leno sucks, because his ratings seem to be pretty decent for a guy that just isn’t funny.
You’re totally jumping the shark just like Fonzie did. Can’t wait to see the aftermath and what’s next. What sucks 245-249: pinky toes, TV, corn nuts and Coldplay.
6 Marshall's Pungent Happiness // May 31, 2008 at 6:04 pm
What an excellent point Daniel Butthole. I’m not allergic to them but I wish I was. Why would anyone want a sweet pepper? I mean, come on. Green Peppers suck. They make throw-up enter my throat and exit my mouth.
7 Danny Anus // May 31, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Totally agree on the Jay Leno. I think youre thinking of Ralph Malph. He was the Shark Jumper. Laverne and Shirley is one of my favorite shows… so I would know.
8 Sean // May 31, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Don’t question my TV knowledge. Here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia about the “jumping the shark”:
“The term is an allusion to a scene in a 1977 episode of the TV series Happy Days when the popular character Arthur “Fonzie” Fonzarelli literally jumps over a shark while water skiing. The scene was considered so preposterous that many believed it to be an attempt at reviving the declining ratings of the flagging show.”
9 Danny Anus // May 31, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Dear Sean,
I havent written any articles about sharks yet… but its a good idea. I mean you cant keep em as pets and they’re always eating people and shit.!!!
Im pretty sure it was Laverne & Shirley. It was that episode where Fred Sanford comes out and fakes a heart attack. He was Hillarious!!!
Love Danny Anus
10 Jared: Capsicum catastrophe // Jun 1, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I have a hard time hating any food. I can nearly always find a reason to use any ingredient. I can understand total indifference toward the green bell pepper, but to say that it sucks is going too far, if for no other reason than the fact that you gave not one good reason that it does suck. Afterall, everyone knows that there is no such thing as Jesus.
Ding dong, hear the bells
The bells of peppers ringing
Singing that you suck
*Haiku*
11 All knowing Matthew Zager // Jun 1, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Sean, Don’t question your TV knowledge??? This coming from the guy who thinks the Simpsons’ bartender’s name is Moe? You are a total butthole, if i had any doubt, saying that a fucking INTERNET BLOG has jumped the whale (a term which applies to tv series, for those of you who aren’t in the know) has now confirmed it.
P.S. Fuck you, Anus, I think green peppers are pretty okay.
12 Danny Anus // Jun 2, 2008 at 10:02 am
NO good reason? Nazis… communists… Satan… Impotence… those are pretty serious Jared. I suggest you take your life more seriously.
13 Sean // Jun 2, 2008 at 12:08 pm
My sincerity is too much for this world.
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