Wow isnt this movie so insightful and amazing??? Its like I totally understand all the malaise and… oh wait. I dont. Jesus Christ on the cross where do I start with this movie? It is a trite piece of shit and I cannot emphasize enough to you the reader how much it sucks.
Garden State is a low budget sappy wet fart out of the ass of a whimsy actor named Zach Braff. He pretends to be a doctor for money on one of my FAVORITE shows ever… Scrubs. Im joking of course. Scrubs sucks too. But thats another entry all together. Moving on. Its about a young actor who moved to Hollywood from his home state of New Jersey. How he comes home to face his friends and his therapist father after the death of his mother. Oh how tragic. Then he meets a strange, quirky girl and they make out in the rain and true love conquers all or some shit.
Someone once told me that this movie speaks to their generation, like “The Graduate” or “Midnight Cowboy”. What generation? The rich little bastards who have nothing to worry about except their own happiness or self worth? The disenchanted youth who are searching for answers in a world that has none? Fucking give me a break. What is this movie supposed to tell me? That being a rich snotty Holden Caulfield wanna be is STILL cool?
This is the kind of film that poses as one thing… but is all together something VERY different. Its esssentially a chick film. I know that the main character is a male… but lets face it; Zach Braffs character in the movie needs to grow up and start acting like an adult and lay off the esoteric. I remember when I used to feel like I could relate to that… BACK WHEN I WAS 19 YEARS OLD. I dont think I’ve seen such overly contrived performances in my life. Every line of dialogue and every movement of the camera is so forced and clearly meant to evoke some response or emotion from the viewer. Alot of movies have jumped on this bandwagon. You know what Im talking about… when there is an awkward scene that is totally unbelievable or just plain stupid… theres this cute little piano or guitar music that is specifically designed to make you cock your head… there go the heartstrings… and go AWWWWWWWW. FUCKING THROW UP. I partially blame Wes Anderson for this… but how was he to know that his ideas would be badly imitated by half of Hollywoods asshole elite? This kind of film gives people the idea that like is REALLY like a movie. Dear god the consequences this brings. Oh and there is a HIP INDIE soundtrack that was obviously put together to aim at the demographic they were shooting for. I mean they fucking advertise the songs and bands BY NAME in the film. I wonder is Zach Braff is a fan of The Shins? I am willling to wager YES.
I can see how certain people would love this movie. But then of course… people all over LOVE things that SUCK. You cant blame them… they just dont know. Oh wait. Yeah we should blame them.
13 responses so far ↓
1 Matthew Zager // May 20, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I remember wanting to murder myself while watching this film. Natalie Portman in particular was awful…
Off the subject, Guess what sucks? People who hate “Cable Guy” because it is “too dark” ASSHOLES!!!
2 Tom // May 20, 2008 at 2:50 pm
At least Zach Braff didn’t write in a scene where someone talks about how F’d up he got the weekend before…
3 Emily // May 20, 2008 at 4:26 pm
but there are people getting fucked up in the movie.
despite all your points being valid danny, i still like the movie. sorry. not.
4 Sean // May 21, 2008 at 1:07 am
Your disdain for BK, Batman and Garden State is palpable and well written even though I don’t necessarily agree with you all the time. I’ve never liked Burger King, so there’s no love lost there but I do remember enjoying the original Batman film. I was luke warm for Garden State, but I haven’t seen it since it was at the theatre. Zach Braff kind of annoys me though. Maybe you could throw in some things you like everyonce in awhile so you don’t come off sounding like a post-modern Andy Rooney for the Blogosphere. Either way its entertaining.
5 Fucking Matthew Zager // May 21, 2008 at 7:42 am
Okay, Mr. Sean Pants, last i checked this site was called “guess what sucks”, not “guess what sucks and guess what stuff I like too”… Here’s something that sucks, using the term BLOGOSPHERE!
Also, I still say Zack Braffs best role was as Michael Bolton in “Office Space”
6 Jim Russell // May 21, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Yeah, I thought I liked this movie the first time I saw it, then my brother, who is a huge Scrubs fan, told me it sucked so I watched it again. It does really suck! Why is Braff so fucking dramatic and girly all the time? He also has a movie called The Last Kiss where he cheats on his ugly pregnant girlfriend with Rachel Bilson, who is super hot. Then he feels bad, and wants everyone to forgive him, it blows. Good luck exploring the infinite abyss…….of my asshole!
7 Sean // May 22, 2008 at 1:44 am
I just want to clear up any misconceptions that are floating around on the interwebz about me; my last name is not in reality “Pants”. An earlier reference, from whence the rumors sprang, was entirely erroneous. Thank you.
8 billiam5billion // May 22, 2008 at 10:36 am
Your mom’s erroneous.
9 Honest Matthew Zager // May 22, 2008 at 10:51 am
I’m sorry I had that all wrong, this gentlemans last name in reality is Pantz
10 Burt Reynolds // May 22, 2008 at 11:20 am
Anybody got any gum?
11 Jared: Comes running at the sound of speed // May 22, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Zach Braff needs to die
Preferably in a fire
On a wall of dicks
*Haiku*
12 Danny Anus // May 22, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Ahhh I love Haikus
13 Scott Mencia // May 29, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I haven’t seen this movie after being generally underwhelmed by both it and the soundtrack for it. Now, seeing how much everybody seems to be embracing it, I finally understand how AWESOME it is! It’s the vagina from Scrubs sitting around being all weepy weepy to get the girl with brain damage, or something!
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll appreciate this movie a lot more after the estrogen shots.
And again, I say Zach Braff is a giant vagina too concerned with the smell of his own ass and his hair to make a decent piece of entertainment.
Boners.
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