I know some of you out there have many… many… MANY memories of Tim Burton’s “Batman”. Lord knows I do. Ask anyone that knew me back when I was 10 and they’ll tell you; I was totally obsessed. Well who wouldn’t be? Huge summer blockbuster… Huge star power… Awesome superhero… what more could a 10 year old want?
See that’s the thing. I was 10. A 10 year old doesn’t understand plot or character development like an adult does. Hell a fucking teenager could grasp them. I’m sorry to have to tell you people this… but after all these years, Batman sucks.
First of let me say that its a stunning piece to look at. A stunning piece of shit. I’ll give credit to Tim Burton for creating his own world for Batman to operate in. A sleek, dark and sinister world of towering skyscrapers and alleyways. It all looks great in still shots. But that’s about it. Frankly I find it a silly and laughable movie in which the sum is MUCH greater than its parts.
Consider.
Take away all the stars and what do you have? A shitty plot and awfully written characters that go nowhere the entire movie. This is a twisted tale of a man driven to revenge and crime fighting… and they passed it off like a shiny black turd. Why is ANYONE on screen doing ANYTHING? Michael Keaton plays Bruce Wayne like a wet sock… without any human characteristics at all. So he hates crime… and he sleeps upside down like a bat… and he has problems with his relationships. WHY? I know that his parents get killed and it even shows it to us in a flashback sequence, but is that his every motivation? How can such a rich and complex character be so one sided? Hell he even says in the fucking movie that he is complex… yet I dont see why. I guess a lot of it looked good on paper. As Batman… he does the SUPER difficult job of having relatively attractive jowls. Sure he set the pattern of all future Batmen by sort of whispering in a menacing like way… almost angry, but that’s it. I didnt see any connection of the two personas… ever. Not once did I think that there was a millionaire playboy under that rubber suit punching and kicking away at the Joker.
UGH the Joker. I love Jack Nicholson as much as the next American male… but after growing up and watching Batman as an adult… I realized that there wasn’t anything special or interesting about the performance that WASNT Jack Nicholson. It was like watching the 1980’s Jack just being himself… only with clown makeup on. People are so fucking wet and horny about the fact that its him… they don’t even think about the character of the Joker or what it means. I mean where did all that go? In the film… before he becomes the Joker, he is a cruel sadistic mobster who wears a purple suit. AFTER he becomes the Joker, he is a cruel sadistic mobster who wears a purple suit AND makeup. There is no difference between the two characters. I guess the whole “getting shot in the face and drowning in toxic waste” didnt do much… so why even put it in the movie? Ill tell you why; Its becuase the plot requires it to. Why is he so hell bent on killing innocent people? What does he get out of it? WHY is he even there? Jesus just watching it now makes me laugh and in not the good way. All I could keep thinking about was the massive paycheck he knew he was getting. Hey actors making millions of dollars is awesome. But in this case…It sucks.
Vikki Vale… totally unimportant and meaningless. Kim Basinger is a good looking piece of window dressing who cant act. Just name me a movie she is good in. That’s right. Didn’t think so. One part of Batman that comes to mind is when she is unconscious in the batcave. You know after Batman takes her there after rescueing her. So she wakes up and sees Bruce Wayne in his yuppie turtleneck and what does she do? Does she freak out because her boyfriend is Batman? Does she lose her shit and go nuts because she doesn’t understand whats happening? Does she start screaming because she doesnt know where she is? What does she do? SHE DOES NOTHING. She skips over any believable human response and goes straight to where the plot directs her… the love story. She goes into this sappy little number about trying to love each other. Huh? Did I miss something? Am I supposed to suspend belief in all human emotion or response when I’m watching a movie? Maybe in a comedy, but not a “sleek. dark, action thriller”
From what I understand… this movie was in the works for the good part of a decade before it all came together. Maybe its because it clearly has the potential to make a lot of money… so it had to be loaded up. You can tell by watching it now that it was a total studio project… getting big names… big directors and big rock stars for soundtracks… old standards from Hollywood, and a blonde piece of popular tail. Everyone getting paid big bucks to make a big movie… with no regard for the characters or story. I will however give a High Five to Tim Burton for having the balls and the vision to bring the great hero to the screen in a serious way. If nothing else… this whole chuckle can be a testament of how Hollywood can ruin a directors vision of how great a motion picture can be. Speaking of Hollywood… I read somewhere that Warner Bros. had to publicly offer the Joker role to Robin Williams to get Nicholson to sign. Apparently he was offered the role much eariler and had turned them down… more than once. My guess is it was probably for money… but who could blame him? Shit go Jack Go!!!! He is the Man!!! But still… he didn’t even care whether he did it or not. He had no interest in the role… except for the GIANT paycheck he got.
Totally sucks.
33 responses so far ↓
1 Banana Kaboom Matthew Zager // May 21, 2008 at 7:51 am
If I was Jack Nicholson playing the Joker and I looked at this website, I would say “Where does he get those wonderful blogs?”
I just came up with that, just now!!!!!!!!
2 Jim Russell // May 21, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Oh boy. I couldn’t really disagree with you anymore. Notice how no one has agreed with you yet? Its cause you just offended an entire generation of movie-watchers! BATMAN RULES!!! Ok, where do I start?
1. The movie looks great! Everything is kinda dark and dreary except the Joker, and I think it makes for a great contrast. Tim Burton used to be just fantastic visually.
2. There is plenty of motivation for Wayne to want to fight crime. He lives in a city surrounded by it, and his very own parents were murdered right in front of him! I really don’t know how I can explain this one, its right there! He has problems with relationships because everyone he was close to as a child (except Albert, who he still is close to) was murdered, I think this might fuck up a lot of people, as far as intimatcy.
2. Mr. Pule, I’m sure there are not any movies you like where the actors are getting paid millions of dollars, right? Who cares that he got paid, Jack fucking rocked in this movie! And I like that you don’t really see his movtivation for killing all this people, it makes him just that much more crazy! Although, I think part of his motivation is that he is envious of Curly’s gold treasure, and wants his piece…also hes jealous and wants to fuck Mrs. Jagger.
3. You kinda have a point with Vicky Vale, but I still like her. Mostly cause I’m pretty sure she gave me my first boner. Also, Blind Date is a good movie, and she was in it, so THERE!
You might be right about Robin Williams, but what I had heard was that the sequal to Batman was supposed to have Williams playing The Riddler and Michael J. Fox playing Robin, but I heard this a loooooong time ago, so I don’t know.
Batman is just totally a badass sylistic masterpiece, and one of my favorite childhood memories that I still love today, even if it is really dated with the Prince soundtrack and everything.
“Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
3 Danny Anus // May 21, 2008 at 1:52 pm
You made no points at all other than your own biased opinion Mr. Russell.
1. the movie looks great ~ Yeah it LOOKS great. THATS IT. Looking great doesnt make a movie good. A recent point of example is the new Speed Racer movie. Looks great… total shit.
2. Who has been murdered other than his parents? I live in a city filled with crime and injustice… you dont see me wearing a rubber costume and playing superhero. Like you said… you cant explain it. The movie just expects you to understand. Sorry. No dice.
2. (again?) Jack Nicholson rocked? Please. He could have shown up drunk and high and acted like himself and people would have still loved it. Sorry. The Joker is a specific character… NOT Jack asshole Nicholson.
3. Balls. Vicky Vale is a coathanger.
All in all… you are correct. Tim Burton’s Batman is stylistic and dark… but thats it. Sorry. I just require more from amazing characters than hype.
4 Tom // May 21, 2008 at 1:55 pm
This blog needs an enema!
5 Blogophile Matthew Zager // May 21, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Jim, I think the problem with this film is you just remember how awesome Jack Nicholson was acting like the Joker… I would rather walk away from this film feeling the Joker was intense and scary and realistic. I think a lesser known actor would have been a better choice.
Also, my favorite line was when Batman says “Fool me twice, shame on me”
6 Jim Russell // May 21, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I don’t think I remember thinking it was awesome because it was Jack Nicholson, because I was 7 years old when this movie came out, and I didn’t have any idea who the hell Jack Nicholson was. I still can’t believe you guys don’t think he was badass in this movie, I guess we’re just going to disagree on this one.
Its not like I don’t know that its a goofy movie, but its a fucking comicbook movie! Totally enjoyable.
Mr. Pule, I think maybe you should put on rubber suit and go throw some bums off the Sprint Center, I’d like that
I must be missing something, cause I’ve never heard anyone dog this flick.
7 Emily Z. // May 21, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I have to say, yes, when I was 9 or 10 and saw this movie in the theatre, I thought that Jack Nicholson as The Joker totally rocked. The only thing, is, it has also made me think that his smile still looks like The Joker’s smile, any time I see him. He’s just weird looking.
As a 9 or 10 year old I also thought Vikki Vail was pretty.
Other than that, I don’t really have a good opinion now because it has been so long since I have seen this movie. But I never thought it was that bad. And maybe if I saw it now, I would view it differently, but, I mean, aren’t some of the other Batman movies that followed this one a lot worse? Or is that a completely different blog?
8 Emily Z. // May 21, 2008 at 2:32 pm
And I would like to agree with Jim on one thing. My liking of The Joker had nothing to do with who was portratying him or how much money he was making for it. That was my first Jack Nicholson experience, yes it made me a fan, but I always have felt like no one else could have done it the way he did it.
9 Macho Matthew Zager // May 21, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Damn it woman, how dare you disagree with me on the World Wide Web, your time would be better spent thinking of ways to please me!!!
I’ll wager after the new Batman with that dead guy as the Joker comes out, you will all agree that Nicholson as the Joker was a big forgetable stinky pile of shit!!
10 Emily Z. // May 21, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I’m still entitled to my own opinion, ASS-HOLE!
11 Jack Nicholson // May 21, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Why is everyone rakin’ me over the coals here… all work and no play makes me a dull boy.
12 Danny Anus // May 21, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Hey People. This blog is specifically made to INFORM you… the reader… of when something sucks. I realize all of you have your own opinions. I suggest you stop arguing back and forth and get your own damn Blog.
13 Johnny Spleen // May 21, 2008 at 5:01 pm
How weird, I’ve finally met someone who has a body part as a last name.
14 Fred Labia // May 21, 2008 at 5:07 pm
OMG!!!!!!!
15 Chad Kneecap // May 21, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Here here!!!!
16 Steve Testes // May 21, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I sense a body-part-last-name gathering coming on!
17 Mark Gathering // May 21, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Thats not very funny Steve.
18 BADOW Matthew Zager // May 21, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Anus, you butthole!! don’t argue back and forth on my blog, why have a fucking comment option??? Here i was about to commend you for bringing people together to discuss things like hamburgers and Batman… Way to shit on everyones parade, Anus.
19 Charles Bronson // May 21, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Hey Matthew… I hear you believe in Jesus.
20 King Slender Matthew Zager // May 21, 2008 at 5:35 pm
I am Jesus and I’m the Devil! I’m a sleeping bag and a bottle of whiskey, and a razor blade if you get too close. I’m king of the underworld, guy!!
21 Dusty // May 22, 2008 at 1:03 am
I’m totally with you on this one.
Also, I love Prince, but having him on the soundtrack is laughable.
Do you think that Batman sings to ‘Pussy Control’ in the Batmobile? The 1989 Batman does, cause he sucks!
Peace out, Yo!
Dusty
22 billiam5billion // May 22, 2008 at 10:32 am
And THAT’S why they made a better batman. I’ll take christian bale, heath ledger, and christopher nolan any day of the week. Katie holmes can go fuck a tree though-she sucks BALLS.
23 Jared: The Lost Episode // May 22, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I didn’t see this movie when it first came out, when I did a few years later (after the second one came out) I knew that the first was better than the second, but that it was the difference between solid dogshit on the carpet and runny dogshit on the carpet.
24 adam // May 22, 2008 at 3:40 pm
you take any movie and take away the star power and it’s going to suck.. that’s why movies enlise GOOD ACTORS!!
25 Danny Anus // May 22, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Dear Asshole Adam,
So all good movies have big stars in them? Are you saying that ALL good actors are big Hollywood stars? Say that out loud and listen to how it sounds coming out your asshole mouth. I think there are a FEW people out there that would say youre full of Ketchup about that.
Love Danny Anus
p.s. What does enlise mean?
26 Plentiful Matthew Zager // May 22, 2008 at 4:00 pm
“Take away the star power and it’s going to suck” That is so fucking stupid. I would hate to see what your taste in music is like…
Lets take “Clerks” for example, zero star power, awesome movie.
Every Kevin Smith movie since, chock full of star power, totally shitty movies.
27 Danny Anus // May 22, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Here here… OMG I think I just realized what sucks!!!
28 Seriously // May 22, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Plentiful Matthew… guess what? Clerks sucks.
All I’d heard for years is how great Clerks is, blah-dee-freakin-blah. Finally watched it and I wish I had those 92* minutes of my life back.
*thanks, Wikipedia
29 Danny Anus // May 22, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Clerks is a pretty good movie considering what they were working with and the resources that were available to them. Sorry… but it doesnt suck.
30 Golden Yangle Matthew Zager // May 22, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Seriously, I considered what you had to say about Clerks all I can say is… BIG STINKY CHRIST MURDERING JEWS!!!!!!!!! THAT’S RIGHT JEWS, KILLERS OF JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now go see if you can’t get some of that sand out of your vagina.
31 Freddy Douche // May 22, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Know what sucks? When people dont like a movie… and then they beg for those minutes back of thier life. Gimmie a break… what youre so important that you cant waste minutes? People say life is precious… but its not. Its shit. Especially YOUR life.
32 Jared: Currently huffing duster // May 22, 2008 at 5:30 pm
I still think that I could have better spent the three hours I spent watching Titanic by masturbating, crying, cutting myself, and then masturbating again.
33 Marshall's Wet Noodle // May 28, 2008 at 10:43 am
Well….Let me first say thank you! I feel like I’ve been alone carrying the torch of truth when it comes to how much this movie….FUCKING SUCKS!!! Aside from the points that Daniel has already stated, let’s not forget the tragic and inexcusable use of Billy Dee as “Harvey Dent”. So not only do you have Lando in a fucking Batman movie. you cast him as one the most sacred and seminal characters in the Batman universe, and he is in ONE scene!! WHAT!! Granted it’s not what Joel Schumacher did, but he’s another story. And then let’s not forget the biggest crime of all: THEY KILLED OFF THE FUCKING JOKER!!! Not even in a respectable way, Batman(who doesn’t kill) just decides to murder him by hooking a statue to his leg? come on. Garbage…Pure Garbage
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