Guess What Sucks

   You know what sucks? 

   Joaquin Phoenix.

   He TOTALLY sucks.

    I picked up We Own The Night from the library the other day, thinking, “Hey, here’s a good chance to see Marky Mark and Joaquin Phoenix shoots guns and get laid for an hour and a half.  It even has an Eva Mendez to ogle.  Nobody too cerebral or overstuffed, just a good action flick set mostly at night, mostly in the rain.  I usually eat this gritty cop shit up, and I did until I got into the 20th minute of nonstop cracked-voice brooding from Joaquin.  Jesus Christ, dude, push your hair back, open your eyes, and quit crying for two fucking seconds.  The guy only has one facial expression, a clumsy mash-up of slightly tipsy and “my dog just died.”  Even when he cracks the rare smile, it’s forced and pathetic. 

   And then there’s Gladiator, which is essentially the same guilt-ridden angstycharacter, but with a faggy caesar haircut.  Remember in Gladiator how all the bitchin action and Russell Crowe amazingosity would stop for no apparent reason other than to showcase the weepy, dark-eyed awkwardness of Joaquin?  He was the worst part of an otherwise excellent flick. 

   “But wait, what about Walk The Line?  He learned guitar and sang all those songs himself!” 

   So fucking what?!  Johnny cash wasn’t a brilliant musician because he could play those songs, but because he could WRITE those songs.  Those songs are easy as hell to play, and millions of people all over the world can do a bad Johnny Cash impression. 

   Oh, and Cash didn’t have a hair lip, you disfigured shit.

   The wrong brother died!!!!!!!!

   Wow.  Never in my life have been exposed to such self adulation and regard than at a fucking art show.  It doesn’t matter if the person is talented or not.  Being an artist doesn’t even require talent.  Thousands and thousands of years of self expression reduced down to a bunch of quippy ass clowns standing around with cheap wine in their hands… jerking each other off and saying out loud what they should keep inside their heads.

This is Art.  Art sucks.

You see… this is a pretty touchy subject with alot of people.    I mean art is beautiful.  It touches people in ways that other things cannot, and people take things VERY personally when it comes to art.  It defines culture doesn’t it?  Doesn’t art bridge the gap between what makes us animals… and what makes us human?

Not anymore.

  Art is now a giant masturbation factory.  Nobody outside the art world gives a shit… and come to think of it, most people in the art world don’t give a shit about art that much either.  People who know nothing about art will pay top dollar for something a fucking child could ve done in 10 minutes.   Then the artist will grow a massive ego about said sold art and proceed to stroke their imaginary artistic cocks about it, in public… in private… ANYWHERE that ANYONE would even hear it.  There is a certain air of pompous assholery that bleeds from these peoples pores… infecting anyone around them.  The real shame, however, is that 95% of modern art is complete and total shit.   Its not interesting or original or even pleasant to look at.  It is simply there as pornography for the eyes of the artist in hopes that SOMEONE will see it and compliment it.  Which everyone will do.

    Lets face it.  Nobody is going to tell someone that their art sucks a fat mule dick.  Its just impolite.  So what happens?  You get an armada of self righteous douchebags walking around acting like they are on some other plane of existence from the “common folk”   Give me a motherfucking break.  I could pick up a dozen sheets of paper… shit on all of them… use some hot glue and some glitter… hang em up and BANG!!!  Look who’s an up and coming artist.  Its meaningless self gratification and nobody cares about it except the artist and their massive ego. 

   Wanna know whats even more sickening?  The fact that people pay tens of thousands of dollars so that they can say this sentence:

“I went to art school”

   It makes my head hurt in ways i cannot describe to know that there are people whose lives hang in the balance over the issue of a few hundred dollars, yet others will fork over a small fortune to be a douchebag.  You want some recognition?    Here’s a piece of paper with your name on it.  Now Im going to wipe my ass with it.  Here you go.  Could I have 30 grand please?  its a fucking scam and I pity the person that falls for it.

“Wow Danny… you are completely out of touch with culture and you are so ignorant and stupid.  Fuck you”

No  Fuck art and the people who grease up the artistic assholes who buy it and sell it and make it.  I’m setting the record straight.  Art has become furniture.  It is there simply to exist and to make talentless spare tires feel like they are accomplishing something.  You wanna feel good about yourself?  Suck my balls.  Ill give you a cookie afterwards and you can show all your friends how AMAZING you are at sucking balls. 

   Hey you wanna hear what dirty balls taste like? Well, down Mexico way they call it “Oye Como Va”. That’s right folks. I’m talking about the one, the only. Carlos Santana…

and he SUCKS.

This poor son of a Mariachi Violinist first surfaced in the late 60’s,  covering the world in a golden shower of  self-indulgent Mexi-Jazz-Blues.

 “But wait he’s so talented…  You have to admit that.” 

    Well you know what? So are the members of Dragon Force. Talent is overrated. Yeah, I wish I could find world class studio musicians that will do the dirty work so I can lay down jack-off solo’s the whole time too.  Yay, Me!   I don’t know who it was, but some brave souls stood up to this beast sometime in the 70’s…his lame shtick FINALLY got older than rancid tamales…and we finally were rid of him.

 Or so we thought. But, just like the Hydra. He returned, older, but no less dangerous. The new heads that had sprouted to replace the old ones….Pop Singers. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Rob Thomas, Dave Matthews, Vanessa Carleton, Michelle Branch, Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Same shit, different tune. So now we wait. Wait for either the beast to get to fat and return to it’s lair to die, or some…I don’t know…Hero, comes and rescues all of us from the awful spectre of Santana. I don’t know when or if that day will come. I just pray

 You wanna know what REALLY sucks?   When you THINK that your delicious tasty sandwich has mayo on it… but… oh… wait a sec…EWWW!!!   Whats this disgusting slime on here that has the distinctive tang of semen???  Oh SHIT its Miracle Whip… and motherfuck me with a broken bottle does it SUCK.

   Miracle Whip was devised as a way to help ration eggs and oil during WWII.  Instead of using said eggs and salad oil to make mayonnaise… they used monkey ejaculate and a blend of seasonings hand picked by then President, Franklin D. Roosevelt.

   The idea was to use it as a substitute for the expensive mayonnaise, and as soon as the war ended, people could go back to eating traditional condiments as opposed to the puss of dying road kill.

   BUT as stupid Americans in the 50’s would have it… they kept it around, and sandwiches have not been safe ever since.   People in today’s society now feel free to use it as a substitute for something other than cheap sex lube (which it works quite well as). 

   The fucked up thing is that I know people who say they cant tell a difference.   These are also the same people that eat bowls of poop after dinner and call them ice cream sundaes.

         “The ZEST of Miracle Whip.  Mmmmm I love the tangy ZIP of Miracle Whip!!!”

  I think I hate the word zest. It just doesn’t sound natural coming out of anyone’s mouth unless you were a marketing executive for Kraft.  The only ZIP  I get from Miracle Whip is the spasm of nausea that I get when I realize Ive accidentally eaten some.  I mean the stuff is called Miracle Whip.  A whipped miracle of science and wartime engineering.

The only miracle about this shit is that millions of people still buy it and enjoy ruining their food with it.

Perverts.

Man I love Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  What happened?

Wow does this guy ever fucking smile?   He must be so deep and introspective that he doesn’t have to smile at all.  Actually… when Sean Penn DOES smile… it has a bittersweet feeling to it, like he is smiling… but not because he is happy.  Its because he is sad.

Sean Penn Sucks.

  So… can someone tell me WHEN exactly this guy became a complete speed bump?   I mean how does one go from teen comedies and fucking madonna to oscar winning actor/director/humanitarian asshole?

   Have you ever seen Mystic River?  I thought it was a good plot and all, but Sean Penn decided to act the shit out of that part to the point where I wanted HIM to die.  Oh my GOD I’m so distraught and empty inside Aughhhhhh…   FUCK.    Does he even bother to notice that real people don’t act like fucking overpaid actors when a tragedy arrives?  Does he think that he is being genuine?  I hope not.

   He also sucks for being one of the many actors to heroically portray a retarded person in a movie.  This is immediate grounds for being a complete douchebag and worthy of crucifixion.  He is a rich Hollywood speed bump who is playing a mentally handicapped person.  I’m sorry but I think that’s not only pompous and arrogant,  but its demeaning to retards everywhere.  Thanks Sean Penn… you really showed me how to give a shit and give second chances to retards.  Asshole.

Oh and all the humanitarian efforts?  Motherfucker please the LAST thing anyone needs is some nosey egotistical knob sticking his fat rich speed bump nose into things like politics or diplomacy.  He doesnt know whats going on,  no matter how many internet websites he trolls or how many newspapers from other countries he reads in his open toed slippers while sipping mimosas on his veranda in Spain.

“Oh but at least he is doing something with his fame and his worldly riches.  He is doing more than most people”

  Trust me.  People that are really in the position to help out and make a difference fucking HATE a stupid celebrity trying to look like they know what they are doing.  Do you honestly think that politicians and officials enjoy some ACTOR trying to be more important than he really is? Hey thanks alot Mr. Penn, but your guilt has now been lifted… you are free to move about and feel better about yourself, oh and thanks for all the $$$$$$.   That’s the real reason they put up with it;  Its because he is rich rich rich.  Its like a big act just to show that he is MORE than a millionaire speed bump with no soul. Sorry… I’m not buying this horseshit.

  I demand to know exactly WHO Sean Penn is giving handjobs to in Hollywood for his credibility.  I want to see in writing how many sloppy, wet handjobs hes given for his fame.

    HEY!  Whats a cheap and stupid way to mingle with strangers… eat shitty food… and pretend you have a social life???   Potlucks. 

Oh and guess what?  They Suck.

   The worst culinary invention ever to hit suburban America, the Potluck.  This seemingly harmless event can easily turn into a night of torture and despair.
Let’s first address the thoughts running through your head right now after hearing such a statement:

“but where else can i have Crab Rangoonalong side a nice Chicken and Cheetohs Casserole?”

   I’m sorry but the day i need to have Jello stuffed inside a Calzone is the day i will probably find a very tall building and swan dive off of it.  These things are terrible and not only are you forced to eat ’shit’, but you have to talk about said ’shit’.  overheard at many a Potluck:

“Oh my god Sarah, you made this from scratch?  It was delightfully ’sinful’.  Where did you come up with such an innovative
idea?  Adding those chopped up Corndogs to the Fettuccini was dazzling to say the least. Leaving the wooden sticks in it was pure genius.”

   These conversations are unavoidable and will consume you for the next three hours. When i say three hours, I mean sitting and waiting for everyone to show up with food for the first two hours. You will then get about ten minutes to scavenge like wild turkeys for the sludge thats been put out on the table.  At this point you’re really so hungry you’ll eat anything and everything.  You are a Potluck whore who is easier than any drunken fraternity girl.

   Finally, it is an unwritten rule that you can never say anything bad about the food.  Nothing critical or even remotely negative can come from your mouth or emoted from your face. If so, you will be the outcast and forced to sit alone and eat the cold leftovers. You’ll get the crust from the green bean and tofu pie, or the leftover sauce from the marshmallow and zucchini loaf.  Don’t forget the
fact that you’ll probably spend at minimum fifteen dollars on a dish and will in no way walk away feeling like you got your money’s worth. 

   In fact you’ll probably walk away with a few less friendships and an empty stomach.

Written by guest writer and aficionado of things that suck…  Dr. Roger.

   Man do I love me some Sopranos.    I know people say it is or was the best show on television… and they are probably right.  Its an amazing show with so many facets its difficult to pinpoint all of them.  The show ended a while ago… and looking back and watching the show again I was pleased and delighted to be able to take it all in one more time.  Seasons one all the way through to five. 

   I couldn’t help but notice however that the 6th season totally sucks a fat cock in comparison.  I was watching it and aside from a few things, it all seemed kinda boring.  Its strange because I don’t ever recall thinking that The Sopranos was EVER boring.  It crawls along… like something grand or supreme was about to happen, but nothing.

The 6th Season of the Sopranos Sucked.

   The show was INCREDIBLE during the first 5 seasons.  I’ve heard people bitch and moan about seasons 4 and 5… and they can put on a pair of cement shoes and jump in the Hudson.  There is a flow to the show up to the end of the 5th season that cannot be denied.  The 6th season comes in all wrong… way too late… and begging for the viewer to give a shit.  I did some homework and found out that there was almost 2 years of space between the 5th and 6th seasons on HBO.   2 years?   I’m sorry but that sounds like the writers and creators were burned out and had to come back because of a contract or something.  The viewers wanted more… and they got more.  More shit.

    When the show started they had writers who were bucking standards and taking risks… but after a long and much needed break… went into this “asshole gear” where it seriously seems like they were trying to write AGAINST viewer expectations.  To water down the show and place meaning where was there was just a barely decent plot.   All the while doing this under the guise af artistic license.

   To put it plainly… good writing requires making choices, and David Chase decided to not make a choice at all… but to drone on as if NOTHING would bring it to an end.  Im sorry but this kind of artsy fartsy non ending shit is just fine in your french existential films and whatnot… but this is a FUCKING TV SHOW.  So get over yourself and your massive ego and quit giving each other handjobs for two fucking seconds and think of a way to END the show… you know… because its ENDING!!!!!

Totally weak.

   Who was the fucking retard that decided to push this lame idea on the public?   Hey lets take rich creamy ice cream and freeze it to the point it looks like gravel.  Maybe morons will eat it and rant about it to their friends.  Assholes. 

Dippin’ Dots Suck.

   They say Dippin’ Dots is the “Ice Cream of the Future!”   I hope I die before the future gets here because its going to suck a wet turd when all these douchebags are walking around eating futuristic desserts.  Why is it futuristic anyways?  Ice cream is a luxury and when the bombs fall… NOBODY will be able to eat it!!!

   So Ive had Dippin’ Dots a few times and it took me that many times to realize how its nothing but a cheap gimmick of repackaging something people already like.  First off it looks like little pebbles or rocks.  Gravel is not appetizing looking to anybody.  It does not make anyone’s mouth water.  Eating Dippin’ Dots make me feel like I’m eating flavorless dry cat or dog food…  that melts into ice cream.  I love Ice cream!!!  Why do I have to eat these little frozen rocks to get ice cream?!?!?!  It was driving me insane and I could not enjoy it.  I was surrounded by assholes who were ranting and raving about how “different” and “tasty” it is.  Huh?  This?  

   Ice cream is a delicious and smooth desert dream!!!  Nobody hates ice cream!!!  Its amazing in many many ways from in a cone to on a sandwich to whatever.  You really cant go wrong with ice cream.

Well YES you can… and YES they did.

I’m gonna go get some soft serve and watch a futuristic, post-apocalyptic action movie.  No Ice cream there.

   OK I am really getting sick and motherfucking tired of computer generated effects in movies.  Its just gone too far. Its a beast that has gotten too big for its oversized expensive pants. I cant even sit through a lot of movies anymore because of all the worthless creative masturbating that is going on.   It started as a tool to make movies better… but has now been overdone and overused to the point of being nauseating.  CGI has officially made special effects NOT special.  Its a good idea gone bad and its threatening to ruin and make obsolete a century of film making artistry.

CGI sucks.

   I’m just getting tired of this bullshit that they keep trying to pawn off to the public.  If you watch movies that were made in the 80’s to early 90’s… you can see the level of special effects were incredible.  They were doing the best they could with what they had… and there was a real art to it.  Make up artists and miniature models and blue screens and film overlays and all the techniques Hollywood used had come to a head, and it was working very well.  Amazing films like Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Superman to name a few.  These movies used what they had and there is a certain realness to it that makes the films believable and enjoyable. 

Fast forward to now.

   Every movie I fucking see has some ridiculous computer flexing its digital muscles for me to ooohh and ahhh at.   Sorry I’m not buying it anymore.  It seems like one of the things a movie is measured on nowadays is their special effects and if they looked real or not.   Like “Well the movie sucked… but the effects were cool”   Who gives a shit about whether they were cool or not?   Who gives a shit if they looked real?   I mean fucking give me a break… how does ANYONE know what an alien spaceship looks like… or a giant green radioactive monster… or creatures from other worlds or what the fuck ever they are trying to convey?   These are things that do not exist in nature… so nobody knows if it looks REAL or not.  Its NOT real at all!!!!!   Its a movie!!!!!!   CGI should be a tool that can make a movie more realistic… not a crutch that the entire film is standing on.

Wanna know what a prime example of this hapless and uncreative way of making movies? 

   The movie 300.    I’m sorry I couldn’t even get past the first 10 minutes before I turned it off and threw it away in the nearest garbage can.  Its so fucking unwatchable that I didn’t even return it to the video store for fear that some asshole would watch it and like it.   I felt like I was watching a goddamn video game.   Another example is Sin City.   That fucking movie is watchable to a point… until my head starts pounding like a pornstar trying to take it all in.  Its just overkill.  Maybe the kids like it, but they don’t remember anything before Jurassic Park anyways.

   I understand that CGI allows filmmakers to do what has never been done before.  I’ve heard arguments about how it has broadened the limits of creativity and how it makes things easier and makes images more realistic looking.

   I agree with most of that… but to say that CGI makes things look more real is about as beleiveable as me pooping a canned ham (which wouldnt be that tough to depict in a film with CGI).  It DOESNT make things look more real.  Depending on the level of quality… CG can ruin a movie, stop it dead in its tracks, and elicit boos and sour faces from an audience.  The difference between now and 20 years ago is that everyone KNEW that special effects were not real.  Now Hollywood uses computers to try and dupe us into thinking something is real… and it doesnt work.  There used to be tricks in making movies.  Now with CGI… no tricks are needed.   You can depict and show anything you want.  That sounds great in theory, but doesn’t unlimited variety kinda lower the bar just a little bit?   If you can have anything you want… whats the point?   Think of Chinese buffets.  Would you rather eat Chinese food… or go to a HUGEmega Chinese buffet with every imaginable food item on it?   Is ANY of it really any good?  

  Would making a movie about talking dinosaurs who fly in spaceships fighting terminator machines on Mars be any good?  Probably not… but they can do it thanks to CGI.

   I hope that all this pointless idiocy creates a backlash of filmmakers that REFUSE to use computer generated imagry in their movies.   It would be nice to see people using their skills and craftsmanship to create better movies instead of being on the cutting edge.

   You suck. Oh my fucking god.  I want to speed up and ignore my destination just so I can follow you to wherever it is you are going and pick you off when you exit your automobile. 

   I want to accelerate my automobile until it is side by side yours on the highway. Then I would pull out a sawed off shotgun and aim it at your worthless face and pull the trigger… watching your worthless face become a spraying mass of blood red, and brain matter grey.  

    I want to follow your car around town and pelt it with rotten vegetables and eggs while singing Ryan Adams songs at the top of my lungs and hold up naked pictues of Michael Jackson.

   I want to take that cellular telephone out of your hand and shove it up your stupid asshole while a Burger King fry boy fucks your mouth and you are forced to watch Batman with Jack Palance.

   I want to take your seat belt and wrap it around your neck… tie it to the back of my car… and drag you around a field of broken glass while I blast the Eagles.

   I want to call up your mother and steal her social security number and identity and charge hundreds of dollars worth of sex toys and child pornography to her Discover card. 

   I want to take you to a Sigur Rós concert.

   I want to dig up your grandmother and create a work of art out of her bones and give to you as a fucking wedding present.

   I want to grab you out of your stupid fucking car and knock you out with ether and then take you to a shitty motel with hourly rates and pay a tattoo “artist” to ink a huge tat of Billy Crystal’s face on your chest… licking one of your nipples.

   I want to feed you Subway sandwiches with nothing on them but green bell peppers and ketchup and Tabasco while you’re forced to listen to Jack Johnson while watching Carlos Mencia do stand up in Hell with Al Pacino as your waiter.

   I want you to swallow my poop.  You suck.